I Wish He Knew

Pain.

I don’t know how else I can describe this heavy feeling in my heart. It’s not physical pain but it is just there. Hanging by the leftover pieces of my broken heart, tugging each string as though it is demanding to be felt.

When you get your heart broken the second time, I thought the healing process would be simpler. I have gone through the exact same thing last year, subsequently I am equipped for doing it again this time.

I am wrong.

When you get your heart broken the second time, you start to question yourself.

“Is it me?” “Am I not sufficiently commendable to deserve love?” “What am I doing wrong that other’s are doing right?”

-

Stop, you would say. Your eyebrows would come together as you looked me without flinching. With a grimace, you reached for my hand and almost instantly I felt the familiar warmth in the world that I was longing for. You told me there was no reason for me to doubt myself any longer because you’re here. You are in my life now.

You were in my life.

The same hands that picked up my already broken heart, fixed it and cupped it to keep it warm – was the same bare, crude hands that squeezed my heart to make it explode for all the wrong and selfish reasons.

-

When we first met, I am not quite sure if he noticed but I had huge walls surrounding me. I’ve built walls so high and sturdy over the past year so others can’t quite get into my space easily.  That was how I kept my heart guarded.

 “It’s nice to see you” – I said.

I saw a smile spreading across his face as he turned to the right to check the oncoming traffic before leaving my carpark. I don’t remember what else we talked about in the car but laughers and smiles were exchanged. I remember those two because at the exact moment, I realized I haven’t been this happy for long.

He brought me to his favorite place to chill over tea.

 “So tell me more about yourself, Ezza.”

 I panicked.

Where do I start? Should I tell him what’s going on in my life? Should I tell him how damaged I am? Should I be straight up honest? Would he judge me?

 I didn’t want him to know how badly broken I am at that point of time. No, I wasn’t completely broken to as before but I was amidst getting my shit together and building my walls, brick by brick. I was healing and doing well at it.

When he came into my life, I have to concede that he sped up my healing process. With each passing day, I became more open and eventually he knew that I was a broken person. He knew I was afraid with the idea of love. He knew I was guarded. Each time I kept quiet, he would ask “Anything bothering you? You can tell me you know,” and I knew… it was because he wanted to ensure I was okay. That I don’t drown myself again with my negative musings and uncertainties because if I have yet to realize, he was the helping hand pulling me out of the water before the ocean swallows me whole.

“I’m okay, babe.” – I smiled.

 I often hear that love is about finding a soul that calms your own. That when you gander at him, you feel the home you have been looking for in the profundity of his brown eyes. The touch of his skin that seemed to wash away all your worries. The smile that calms every damn cell in your body.

He was that.

-

Once, we were chilling at his favorite place (which then became my favorite place too), I couldn’t help but to think – what have I done to deserve this man? He is kind and loving. He doesn’t abandon me despite knowing how broken I am.  Instead he constantly gives me pep talks about how I should only be looking forward. The past is the past; everybody has his or her own history. It’s about moving forward that matters. Each time he sits me to talk about this, he has this stern look on his face…and instantly I knew he was dead serious. This man wants me to be better. He wants me to get better so I could love the world once more.

“Would you teach me how to love again?” 

“I wont teach you. I’ll slowly guide you.” 

  

And that was how I fell for him.

-

Undeniably, as we went along, I had doubts.

Many times he caught me looking at him straight in the eye. Then he would ask,

“Are you alright?”

 and often, I find myself tearing up. It’s really funny though because each time this happened, he supposed something was wrong and he would wipe my tears and hold me tight. But that wasn’t the case. I cried because I was so thankful I found someone to love, who cherishes me equally as much. I was glad he came along and made me see the sun radiates through my bedroom windows again. He always wanted the best for me, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

-

           “What is it about me that you’re so sure of? What makes you want me?”

 “Because it is so easy for me to be with you. I mean, you put me at ease when I’m with you. I can just be myself when I’m with you. I can say shit, do shit and just be myself. Because you’re a beautiful girl. Because I see in you a potential to be someone really special if you want to focus on what’s important in life. Because I can also imagine that you’d do well with my family. That you’ll be able to adapt well. Because I want someone who is grounded and who I can reason with. And you have shown that. And also because I feel so happy just being with you. Having you by my side and with me. It makes me forget everything else. Just me and you. And there’s another reason why I want you so much. But I can’t pinpoint. It’s like when I first saw you, I knew at that point that I want you. There isn’t a tangible reason to it. I just knew. When I met you in real life, it just confirmed that yeah…she’s mine. I want her 100%. “

 I wish I could ask him if this love would last or is it a matter of time till he leaves? Or tell him how I appear strong on the outside but weak as fuck inside. How my heart still aches at the slightest bit of everything.

I wish I could tell him that I want him. I want him so much but I am so afraid of commitment. I wish he knew the idea of love scares me and that I am losing faith in it. But I don’t want him to go.

I wish he knew how disheartening it felt to see your parents divorce at an age when all you want is a cozy family. To have the capacity to come home and see both of their faces. To know that the world is cold and harsh out there, yet when you’re home, you have both their loving hands to hold you close and tell you that everything is going to be alright.

I grew up with the mentality that even if marriage wont last…what about relationships? It’s only a matter of time, no?

In any case, he didn't see all these and that is alright. Why I flinched the first time I felt the warmth of his skin on my palm, was because I got used to being on my own.  The only warmth I need is the gush of my blood running through my veins.

-

As weeks went by, I fell deeper for him. He made me laugh a lot and irrefutably the happiest girl alive. It’s truly uncommon for me to feel close to anyone, let alone comfortable. Since he managed to do all these, I felt he was something. He’s special.

The day after I mentioned about being ready to move on and begin again with someone new, he came at my doorstep with breakfast along with a note asking me to be his girlfriend.

Yes!

-

His summer break went by so fast. He had to return to Aussie for the start of school. It was tough living with the idea that he was going to be away for long. Nearing his departure, there were many times when I held his hand. It was the same kind of warmth I am familiar with,

“We will be okay…right?”

 “Yes baby, we will. Don’t worry okay?”, he said as he leaned forward to plant a kiss on my forehead.

And I remembered holding his hands so tight throughout the whole night.

-

The first couple of weeks of our LDR was incredible. Skype, texts and calls.

But somewhere in between, things changed…abruptly. That one night when he said we needed to talk, was the day he let me go.

 I would say his reasons were valid and that it was for the best. He loves me too much to not want me to deserve any much less love than someone who can be here with me physically, not far away. That he loves me too much to know that managing with long distance for the next 3 years will be hard and he doesn’t have much to give – he doesn’t want me to face that. That perhaps our timing wasn’t right, and we could start something again when we are both stable and have the capacity to be by each other physically.

-

When it happened, I was home (thankfully). In between trying to wake up and accepting it was reality and wiping my tears, I could feel my heart just breaks into pieces again. The same familiar feeling.

And that was how I knew how much I am in love with this man.

I wanted to scream at him for being selfish. For making me fall for him only to get it broken again. I thought he knew how fragile I am, I thought he knew how lucky he was to be able to break my walls slowly and come inside the space to comfort me and make me see that not all love is squandered.

I felt so lost and confused. I looked through our messages when things were still okay and the texts he sent to make me feel secured and loved. Those words.....they were so comforting and promising.

“Baby.

At times it is easy to fall into missing each other so much and the longing becomes so heavy that it can bring us down. But I want you to know that every time you feel that way, remember why we are where we are now. That we have grown to be attached to each other in every way. And besides the immense love that we feel for each other, we know that it is with each other that we want to have a future with. It might be a little difficult now, But I want you to be strong and be patient and love me and us like how you always have and how you will continue to. When you are here soon, it will all make sense again why we are doing this and why we are deep in each other’s hearts.

When I left for Sydney, I left my heart with you. And pulled some courage in me to convince myself that it is the right thing to do. And it is something I want to do. Because I love you so much. I pray and hope that you will continue to take care of my heart because I know it is precious to you and a treasure to you as much as your heart is to me.

We talked about things and I hope you will remember was we said and just continue to do this with me as we discussed. If it goes like that, then all will be fine despite us missing each other so badly. Do know that you are always in my mind and that I love you so much Ezza.”

“I promise you. Tonight. That I will love you to the best of my ability. That I will treat you the best I can. I will give you the best of everything. I love you so much, Ezza. I want you and only you for myself and all of you to myself for the rest of my life baby.”

-

I wish I could tell him how angry I am that he wasted my time and effort to make me crumble all over again. I wish I could tell him that I don’t blame him for coming into my life for it was a privileged to love and be loved by him.

I wish I was more straight up at first and tell him to leave if he didn’t plan to love me forever. That I’ve promised myself during my healing period to never give my heart to someone who just wants to play with it.

I also wished he knew that since he loved me, I’ve planned to love him harder. For he manages to see right through me and still had that space to love me enough.  And with that, I placed him in my heart where I used to believe in an everlasting love, far from all the pain and agony.

And that I’ll constantly love him harder each day. Showering him with all the love I have contained in me. To be able to be so close and comfortable with each other that I was willing to break down my own walls I’ve built just so he could come in.

I wish he knew that despite whatever I’ve been through, it is him that I am willing to love again.

-

I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he wants only the best for me. But I wish he knew he was the best.

The memory of him and all the things we done together make me terribly sad. It keeps me awake, and even after falling asleep; I wake up to the pain slowly suffocating me. Some days I wake up wishing it were only a dream, only to check his messages and tell myself that it is really happening.

This is reality and it is happening to me. Its even depressing to fathom the idea that in order for me to get better is to move on from everything that once made me happy – and that itself is sad.

-

In the end, you just weren’t mine to keep and that’s okay.

So what do I do now?

I am broken. I’ve lost all hopes in love again.

But I’ll pick up the pieces and move on with life once more. I’ve got dreams to chase and a life to live. Ive got so much of the world to see and mountains to climb. 

 Remember when I said I believe that everything happens for a reason?

He was probably in my life so that he could speed up my healing process, or to make me feel happy after so long. Whatever the reason is, I've forgiven and would like to thank him from the bottom of my heart – for coming into my life. For making a difference and making me feel what it's like to feel loved once more.

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be good, and I’ll continue to love the world like I should.

 x,

EzzaJay