Sunday 21 June 2015

That Time I Confused A Lesson For A Soulmate

It has been close to half a year now that I have been single. Many have been soliciting what made us fall out of love so abruptly after being together for years - was it a third party? who cheated? 
Truth to be told, nobody cheated. There was not a third party.

--

Falling in love is undoubtedly one of the greatest feelings. It gives you butterflies in your tummy, makes your heart race, it makes you realise that your heart has been missing a piece all these while. Experiencing passionate feelings for others makes you become hopelessly enamored with yourself in the meantime, on the grounds that the individual you cherish has the capacity to see something worth cherishing in you. Its exciting to find parts of yourself in someone else.

When you think you know you found the missing piece, everything in life falls into place. You assemble a home inside of him and know exceptionally well that you have somebody you can depend on,  someone to adore you despite your flaws,  someone you will grow old with.

It was safe to say that we spent our time transitioning from immature adolescents at 16 years old to a young adult with the constant guidance of one another. We grew up being so deeply in love, we chose to ignore the outside world.

--


When I began to understand our relationship was not working out, I doubted myself. Maybe I was thinking too much, maybe I wasn't making sense. He is in the army and I ought to be more understanding on his busy schedule. If I could survive his 9 months in OCS, why should now be a problem?


Gradually, I started to believe it wasn't me who was thinking excessively. The issue was really us. We got comfortable with each other, it felt ok to disappoint one another. It was ok for him to not text me because just because he felt tired (we made a point to text goodnight every day for years). It was alright for me to start superfluous fights just because I wanted to. Where it counts we both knew these things frustrate one another to a certain extent yet it felt ok to do it.

Maybe I got sick of waiting. Maybe I was bored of the same old routine, having him to myself only on the weekends and sometimes not at all. Maybe I wanted more. Maybe I demanded too much.

But then again, I was 100% supportive of his decision to sign on. So why was I feeling like that?

He also started to show less effort and that our special days became normal days. He told me all I had to do was to be a little more patient. I had to be more understanding. But how can I be more understanding when the same old things happened every time?

I stopped feeling like I was special. I hated it. If I feel I have to beg for it then I know its not really mine to have..and I stop wanting it altogether.


"If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realise that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.” 

--

I remember clearly dropping him a text that I wanted a break-up when I had enough. He said ok and ended the conversation with, "I love you, beautiful". 

When things were really over between us, it was hard to cope.

I could not accept the fact that he was gone and that I lost the greatest love of my life. I know my action may be stupid, but how much longer can I put up with a fake front and pretend that our love was perfect when in fact I was not happy? I can't keep faking it, and I had to do something about it. 

As days went by, I had different emotions running through. Some times I was proud of myself for being able to stand up for what I believe was right for me, and some times I felt that maybe it was indeed too abrupt and that we should have talked this out (yet again). Most times? 


I felt the latter. 


I began blaming myself for the whole break-up. I kept saying nasty things to myself. One day, it got worse. I started punching mirrors because I hated seeing my reflection in it, I started to cut myself because I hated my own skin. I had bruises and cuts everywhere but it made me feel better.


When I apologised and let him know that perhaps we could attempt to work things out, he told me it was too late. It was a mistake, and I shouldn't have done it. 


I never want to do it again. To give so much of my heart to someone just to have them telling me that it was too much for them to hold on to. He added on saying I was too good for him and it confuses me. Shouldn't love be all about giving and being good? I guess I gave too much. The good in me that I gave you is too much of a burden for you to carry after all. 


I was so befuddled and hurt, I stopped trying.

I would not say it was depression but rather it was practically comparable. I hid my deepest feelings so well I forgot where I placed them. Nobody could tell I was suffering. I distant myself from friends and family, I cried myself to sleep, I cut myself further when I felt hurt. It was one whole month of suffering. I shed pounds and the under eye circles got worse. I looked ugly, which did not helped with the fact that I already despised my own reflection. So I cut myself again - probably deeper each time.

I could see my grades were dropping and that I was constantly lacking of energy. But sleep did not release my exhaustion anymore. Sleep was my only escape from reality and when I wake up, I crumbled all over again. I didn't want to get out of bed each day because I don't think I had any purpose in life. I got to be somebody I never knew I could end up being.

I began to believe that it was just a phase and that one day this wont hurt anymore but until then I'll cry until the oceans are nothing compared to my tear ducts. I could feel my heart ached literally when I cried too hard. That was the thing about aching; it wanted you to stay inside of it. 

I had no words left to speak but to slowly recognise the unforgiving reality. I scoured at my open pores allowing my insides to detox the memories he left within me. I don’t care to start over, I don’t care to recreate, I don’t care to begin. I just want to be ok and learn how to love myself again. Forgetting hurts and the moving on part is never easy. I have never experienced falling out of love, so I pretty suck at it. I was battling hard.


I surmise that when a heart breaks, it starts to shed its layers. Gradually yet most likely. The heart now does not know him but it thanked him for coming into my life and leaving, for allowing this heart to become a delicate and a solid one all at the same time. It thanked him for going away, for allowing someone to love me better. I started by having me to love my own self better first. 


I stopped blaming myself and started believing that this was all part of life. I quit letting myself know that I was lost. I wasn't. I was just on a highway with no destination, I was simply driving with hope that I would fine a place that I like and I would stay there.


I wasn't lost. I was en route.


I'll keep fighting until I win. I'll fight until I'll find my way back to who I was before. I'll fight till I could finally see myself smiling again. I'll fight until I can see the sun rays shining through my window each day. I'll fight until I learn to love the mornings again. 

One day, I decided it was time for me to make a change. I felt that it is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me. I shut down to protect myself. So I went on a 2 months hiatus from my social media accounts.



“But at some point you have to stop being so angry, you have to stop being so sad, you have to stop killing yourself and start being gentle with yourself. At some point you have to just let it all go and be happy, you have to spread love instead of being afraid of it. You have to love yourself and everyone around you before it's too late. Don't waste away being unhappy over trivial things dear. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself and don't let other people do it to you.

During that two months, I became more positive. I was fortunate that my closest friends attempted their best to invest as much time with me so I wont feel as desolated. I started to open up to individuals, made friends and eventually start talking to everyone around me again. I felt better, I could feel myself recovering. Each day, I wake up telling myself that today is the day I am going to begin. 


“Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.”
— Haruki Murakami; 1Q84

"Is this the part where I should be heartless and start to delete his pictures?", I asked myself. It took me a week before I had the courage.

I started to delete pictures of us in my phone, Instagram and Facebook. I couldn't bring myself to see those pictures again without hurting myself. I need to move on, I need to be happy. I deleted pictures of my OOTD's taken by him. I unfollowed him on every single social accounts I have, so I won't be able to see any updates from him. I changed my relationship status to 'single' on Facebook. I brought down our Polaroid pictures I had on my walls. I put away the photo frame of us beside my bed and on my study table. I changed his contact in my phone from 'Baby!' to simply his name. 


I slowly started to be more independent. I did not depend on him to whine about my day in school, I stopped using my phone as much because I did not have him to update on my whereabouts and I completely stopped relying on him. It felt good to know I was capable of this this - on my own.

On days, I bumped into our old friends. Some knew about the break-up but most did not. So when they asked where was he, I had to break the news to them. 


I instantly got nasty replies.



"Are you fucking serious?!"
"Such a waste."
"But....6 years? You guys were so perfect!"

You see, we are all here for a reason. People enter our lives for a reason. But not every meeting is intended to end with a happy ending. Some are intended to fall apart so better things can fall into place. Often, people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to reveal to you who you can be, to show you how to cherish yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to guide you as you grow to be a better version of yourselves. The universe does not make mistakes. God never makes mistakes.

Be very careful in building a home inside of somebody because sometimes they wont stay for long. Not everyone is going to stay forever, but despite everything, we need to continue going, appreciate them and thank them for what they have given us.


In order for me to move on, I must quit bearing the bits of myself that he once adored and afterward destroyed. I had beautiful things growing inside of me until it felt the touch of his fingers on it - where it shriveled and died. Now, its growing back. I am healing in all the places that his hands have touched me. 

I slowly came to realise that I don't have it in me to love him any longer. I couldn't find any love to give, I must have buried all of it while I was planting the seeds to let the beautiful things grow once more.

"So what? You failed your finals. You gained some weight. So what? You’re single again. You lost your job. So what? What now? You live. You try again. That’s what."

 --

Maybe it was not a bad thing that we broke each other; now we can fit into the right people. Once, a wise friend of mine told me this, "For every failed relationship, you are one step closer to The One." I had to stare at her in disbelief that she made sense for once. 

I would say my recovery phase was one hell of a ride. I am just so glad that I am still alive at this moment. The break-up brought me down to my lowest I have ever been in my life but at the same time it brought me back up so high, it made me stand with pride to see what I can actually achieve. 

Who was I kidding? 6 years of relationship. I practically grew with him and as cliché as it sounds, he was a part of me. It was a tough battle but I won now.

I'm genuinely glad to know that he is doing good with his career in the army and that he is moving on with someone new. I just hope that he will look for me in everyone else and panic when he realises that they will never be exactly the same. I'll do the same, just so I can be reminded he was once someone special.


He was my first love but he wont be my only love and definitely not my last love because as much as I love him, I love myself more. To know that I want and deserve a greater love than this - I hope he realises my true intentions. 

"Love yourself so much that when someone treats you wrong, you recognize it."

Now, I am focusing on finishing my school and get my degree at the end of the day. I am not in a relationship with anyone neither am I dating. I am not shutting my heart. I'll continue to share my heart with people even if it has been broken.

I am just not ready to love yet. I am not ready to take another step and love someone new. The starting over stage got me tired but maybe someday it will happen - with the one, I hope.

The last thing that I said was: “everything happens for a reason” and if I lose faith in that, then nothing in my life makes sense.

This was a sad chapter but I am not a sad story.

Until then, I hope everyone will realise that respecting and taking care of yourself are the crucial things in life. x



With lots of love still, 
EzzaJay